Module: Rantly::Silly::Love

Defined in:
lib/rantly/silly.rb

Instance Method Summary collapse

Instance Method Details

#address ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 25

def address
  "my #{extremifier} #{pedestal_label}"
end

#caused_by ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 62

def caused_by
end

#double_plus_good ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 37

def double_plus_good
  choose "holy","shiny","glittering","joyous","delicious"
end

#extremifier ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 29

def extremifier
  choose "most","ultimate","unbelievable","incredible","burning"
end

#fantasy ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 89

def fantasy
  freq \
  Proc.new {
    make = choose "raise","nurture","bring into the world"
    babies = choose "brood of babies","#{double_plus_good} angels"
    good = double_plus_good
    effect = choose "the world becomes all the more #{good}",
                    "we may at the end of our lives rest in #{good} peace.",
                    "you, my #{pedestal_label}, would continue to live."
    "we would #{make} #{babies}, so #{effect}."
  },
  Proc.new {
    do_thing = choose "kiss","hug","read poetry to each other","massage","whisper empty nothings into each others' ears","be with each other, and oblivious to the entire world"
    affect = choose "joy", "mindfulness", "calm", "sanctity"
    "we would #{do_thing} with #{double_plus_good} #{affect}"
  }
end

#fragment ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 57

def fragment
  fun = fantasy
  choose "i hope to god #{fun}", "i believe #{fun}", "i will that #{fun}"
end

#groveler ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 77

def groveler
  choose "slave","servant","captive","lapdog"
end

#how_i_feel ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 41

def how_i_feel
  choose "my heart aches","my spine pines","my spirit wanders and wonders","my soul is awed","my loin burns"
end

#humbleizer ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 73

def humbleizer
  choose "undeserving","insignificant","unremarkable","fearful","menial"
end

#i_am_stalking_you ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 85

def i_am_stalking_you
  "every #{time_duration} i #{stalk_action}"
end

#letter(n = 3) ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 12

def letter(n=3)
  body = array(n){paragraph}.join "\n\n"
  <<-EOS
#{address}:

#{body}

#{sign}

#{post_script}
EOS
end

#paragraph ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 45

def paragraph
  array(range(2,4)){ sentence}.join " "
end

#pedestal_label ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 33

def pedestal_label
  choose "beloved","desire","dove","virgin goddess","existential solution","lighthouse","beacon","holy mother","queen","mistress"
end

#post_script ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 81

def post_script
  "ps: #{i_am_stalking_you}, and hope that #{fantasy}"
end

#sentence ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 49

def sentence
  freq \
  Proc.new { "when #{how_i_feel}, my #{pedestal_label}, i feel the need to #{stalk_action}, but this is not because #{how_i_feel}, but rather a symptom of my being your #{whoami}." },
  Proc.new { "because you are my #{pedestal_label}, and i am your #{whoami}, no, rather your #{whoami}, #{fragment}."},
  Proc.new { "do not think that saying '#{how_i_feel}' suffices to show the depth of how #{how_i_feel}, because more than that, #{fantasy}"},
  Proc.new { "as a #{whoami}, that #{how_i_feel} is never quite enough for you, my #{double_plus_good} #{pedestal_label}."}
end

#sign ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 69

def sign
  "your #{whoami}"
end

#stalk_action ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 107

def stalk_action
  choose "think of you","dream of us together","look at your picture and sigh"
end

#time_duration ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 111

def time_duration
  choose "once in a while","night","day","hour","minute"
end

#whoami ⇒ Object 



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# File 'lib/rantly/silly.rb', line 65

def whoami
  "#{extremifier} #{humbleizer} #{groveler}"
end